Through a glass darkly

"Nature gives you the face you possess at twenty ...

Life the face you possess at thirty.

But the face you have at fifty is the face you deserve."

-- Karleen Koen, Through A Glass Darkly

Self portrait 12-4-13

Shadows fall

 "But I felt them ... hungry shadows who knew my name, 

clawing at my mind and my soul to be let in."  

-- Peter S. Beagle, We Never Talk About My Brother

Self portrait 9-29-13

"Your nightmares follow you like a shadow, forever."

-- Aleksander Hemon, The Lazarus Project

Self portrait (2) 9-29-13

"There was nothing the matter out there. 

It was in here, with me."

-- Cornell Woolrich,

Baker's Dozen: 13 Short Mystery Novels

Self portrait (3) 9-29-13

"This life is a shadowy thing, lad."

-- James Michael Pratt, The Lighthouse Keeper

Darkness and light

“... when an endless night seems to have fallen, 

hope can be found in the realization that

the companion of night is not another night, 

that the companion of night is day, 

that darkness always gives way to light ...”

-- Dean Koontz, Lightning

Self portrait 7-24-13

“So don't be frightened, dear friend, 

if a sadness confronts you larger than any you have ever known, 

casting its shadow over all you do. 

You must think that something is happening within you, 

and remember that life has not forgotten you;

it holds you in its hand and will not let you fall. 

Why would you want to exclude from your life any uneasiness, any pain, any depression, 

since you don't know what work they are accomplishing within you?”

-- Rainer Maria Rilke, Letters to a Young Poet

 “It's part of what we call the Shadow, 

all the dark parts of us we can't face. 

It's the thing that, if we don't deal with it, 

eventually poisons our lives.”

-- Michael Gruber, The Good Son

 

“A shadow is never created in darkness. 

It is born of light. 

We can be blind to it and blinded by it. 

Our shadow asks us to look at what we don't want to see.” 

-- Terry Tempest Williams, 

When Women Were Birds: Fifty-four Variations on Voice

Is it getting dark in her?

“... Richard began to understand darkness: 

darkness as something solid and real, 

so much more than a simple absence of light. 

He felt it touch his skin, questing, moving, exploring: gliding through his mind. 

It slipped into his lungs, behind his eyes, into his mouth ...” 

-- Neil Gaiman, Neverwhere

Self portrait 5-23-13

“There is darkness inside all of us, though mine is more dangerous than most. 

Still, we all have it—that part of our soul that is irreparably damaged 

by the very trials and tribulations of life. 

We are what we are because of it, or perhaps in spite of it.” 

-- Jenna Maclaine, Bound By Sin

Self portrait 5-23-13

 

“What strange places our lives can carry us to, what dark passages.” 

--Justin Cronin, The Passage

   

I am trying really hard.

I am trying really hard to keep my attitude positive. 

I am  trying really hard to function normally in spite of persistent sleep deprivation.

I am trying really hard to change my perspective and not see my insomnia as a curse, or as the whole universe conspiring against me, but rather as a mere inconvenience that I have work around for now, or forever.

I am trying really hard to use my sleepless nights constructively, to grab control of them before they get any traction so that they don't wreck me. When I can't sleep, I water the garden, mop the kitchen floor, bake banana bread and cookies, lift weights -- all in an effort to stay a step ahead of the anxiety-riddled fatigue that stalks from the dark perimeter.

All of this trying really hard helps, sort of, for a limited time and to a certain degree, for a while, -ish. 

Me and my insomnia are learning to co-exist like roommates who don't have a choice, who are forced together circumstantially and made to cohabit even though they don't really like each other all that much -- who honestly loathe each other -- but who are good at faking it, at play-acting a charade of civility and politeness and tolerance, who are good at making the best of an unavoidable situation so that nobody gets hurt and the rent gets paid.

Still, in spite of all that genteel courtesy and politesse, something still lurks in the shadows, twitching, watching, waiting. Waiting to ambush me, like Cato in the Pink Panther movies, the martial arts genius who masquerades as a humble manservant and who hides behind doors and atop bookshelves in Inspector Clouseau's house and repeatedly jumps out and attacks and beats the shit out of Clouseau in his own home.

That's how living with insomnia feels -- like I'm constantly being ambushed in my own home -- in the one place where I should feel the safest and most protected. 

It's hard not to get skittish, watchful, fearful.

Dark.

Because even though I am trying really hard to outwardly project a brave and positive face, the darkness still blooms and spreads, like internal bleeding. I have to let it out from time so it doesn't destroy me. I guess that's what today's post is about. It's a bloodletting, of sorts -- a controlled attempt to draw out the darkness and bad humors -- to let the poison out before it kills me.

Twinkle, twinkle

“Rather nice night, after all. 

Stars are out and everything. 

Exceptionally tasty assortment of them.” 

                                                                          -- F. Scott Fitzgerald, The Beautiful and Damned

Night face, 4-1-13

“Could it be that the planets are castaway heads.”

                                                              

                                                             -- Visar Zniti, The Condemned Apple: Selected Poetry

Lighten up

"It was the possibility of darkness
that made the day seem so bright."

-- Stephen King, Wolves of the Calla

Self portrait 3-29-13