Jarhead

“We are not trapped by our thoughts. 

What we generally do, however, 
is create thoughts that trap us.”

-- Joshua David Stone,  

A Beginner's Guide to the Path of Ascension

Self portrait 5-5-13

“The things other people have put into my head,
at any rate, do not fit together nicely,
are often useless and ugly, are out of proportion with one another,
are out of proportion with life as it really is outside my head.”

-- Kurt Vonnegut, Breakfast of Champions 

As a chronic insomniac and someone who struggles with anxiety, I often long for the ability to take off my head at night, literally unscrew it and remove it. If only I could shelve it and it's squirming tangle of restless, anxious thoughts, and stick it all in a jar with the lid screwed tight. 

I also sometimes think that about my feet, when they are throbbing and keeping me awake. But I can put ice on my feet and they'll quiet down. My head, not so much. 

I can't ice my thoughts. Can't turn down the volume. I can't turn the knob to "off." The more I try, the louder the static, the more intense the voices. I've tried creating new thoughts to replace the disruptive pre-existing thoughts, but the result is just cumulative, more and more thoughts piling on until all there is to do is listen to the maddening, creepy dry rustle of them writhing and tumbling atop and in and around one another like a den of snakes.