In living color

"If I could say it in words there would be no reason to paint."

-- Edward Hopper

Self portrait 12-10-13

"I paint self-portraits because I am so often alone,

because I am the person I know best."

-- Frida Kahlo

"No longer shall I paint interiors with men reading and women knitting.

I will paint living people who breathe and feel and suffer and love."

-- Edvard Munch

Indigo ... indigoing ... indigone

"You'd be surprised how much it costs to look this cheap."

-- Dolly Parton

Self portrait 11-5-13

Self portrait (2) 11-5-13

"Existence is a 

strange bargain.

Life owes us little; 

we owe it everything.

The only true happiness comes from

squandering ourselves 

for a purpose."

-- William Cowper

Sacre bleu!

My local Target store was clearing out all of its Halloween merchandise for super-low prices. Everything was 70 percent off. Everything must go!

I guess it's their Halloween version of Black Friday. So, technically, it would probably be orange and black Friday.

Whatever. All I know is I got some sweet day-after Halloween bargains.

Like 11 packs of little glow-in-the-dark rubber snakes, regularly $1, for 30 cents each.

And a terrible, super itchy Mohawk wig that sheds like crazy, for 70 percent off.

And two tubes of face paint, one blue, one black, for 60 cents.

And eight sets of glow-in-the-dark vampire teeth for 4 cents each.

And five packs of self adhesive eyebrows (three pairs per pack) for 30 cents each. That's a low, low price of 10 cents a pair, or 5 cents an eyebrow! They were practically giving the stuff away.

Some folks might stash away all their post-Halloween bargains and save them for next Fall. These are the same folks who take away their kids' trick or treat loot and ration it back to them one piece at a time for the next 6 months.

Screw those folks.

I like to indulge.  I like to eat all of my candy as soon as possible, and I like to bust out my Halloween costume bargains a full year in advance. Squander it. Use it up. Because what if I die before next Halloween? That'd just be a waste of good eyebrows and face paint.

For today's face, I used two sets of the eyebrows (one set as sideburns, because self-adhesive eyebrows are versatile like that, and at 5 cents a brow, why not splurge?) and some of my new blue paint to give myself a nifty blue beard.

Why?

Because I have a daily blog to keep up, and 365 faces to generate before the year is out, that's why.

What did you do today?

"Out on the blue sea I sailed a blue ship.

I had a first mate that always had blue lips.

His name was Bluebeard. He had a weird twitch.

We flew a blue flag up on a big stick.

And we ate bluegill and we ate blue chips.

Oh, I felt real blue eating that blue fish.

Because there ain't much that I won't do unless it

keeps me from being true blue."

-- Bright Eyes, "True Blue"

Nothing lasts forever

"Nothing in the world is permanent,

and we're foolish when we ask anything to last,

but surely we're still more foolish

not to take delight in it while we have it."

-- W. Somerset Maugham, The Razor's Edge

Self portrait 10-23-13

"I'm not scared for myself for dying.

Because I believe all these places are temporary.

This is just one shell."

-- Israel Kamakawiwo'ole

"Graffiti's always been a temporary art form.

You make your mark and then they scrub it off."

-- Banksy

"... and here's a secret for you --

everything beautiful is sad ...

gilded with impermanence ..."

-- John Geddes, A Familiar Rain

Most of the time, when I do a self portrait that involves a lot of makeup or face paint, it takes longer to put the face on than it does to take the picture.

It's not unusual for me to spend an hour or more getting ready for a 10 or 15 minute photo shoot. As soon as I'm satisfied with what I have in the camera, I go slather my face with cold cream and scrub the whole thing off. (For the record, I go through a lot of cold cream.)

I get a particular thrill knowing that the ho-hum rest of the world is out there doing it's mundane thing while I am hidden away in my private happy place, elaborately (if temporarily) disguised as the Bride of Frankenstein, or Medusa, or a zombie, or a pirate, or, for today's face, a Day of the Dead skull.

Most of the time, nobody else ever sees me in the actual makeup. I put it on, I get the shot, I wash it off. Nobody's the wiser. Until the next day when I post the image or images here on the blog. But by the time you see it here, for me the moment is over and I'm onto the next face.

I love the mystery of having a kind of secret double life.  Though I guess it's more than a double life, actually, because the math can multiply by however many faces I can come up with.

When I go out, I'm just me. But when I'm working on a portrait, I can be anybody I want to be, for a little while anyway.

Me and my big mouth

"I knew that with a mouth like mine, 

I just hadda be a star or something."

-- Barbra Streisand

Self portrait 10-3-13

"A man's face as a rule says more, 

and more interesting things,

than his mouth." 

-- Arthur Schopenhauer 

"Some people approach every problem with an open mouth."

-- Adlai Stevenson

"I'll bet my autopsy reveals my mouth is too big."

-- Bill Watterson

Bird's eye view

"If you buy an egg thinking it's a goose's egg, 

and when it hatches it is actually a bird of paradise,

no manner of convincing and reproach will turn the bird of paradise into a goose.

Even if you make it go to goose church and goose school 

and eat goose feeds and only hang out with geese! 

In the end, it will still belong to paradise."

-- C. Joybell C.

Self portrait 8-28-13

"You cannot prevent the birds of sadness from passing over your head,

but you can prevent their making a nest in your hair."

-- Chinese proverb

Self portrait (2) 8-28-13

Welcome to "Fun With Feathers!" at A Face A Day 2013!

I had this cheap little Mardi Gras mask in my costume stuff for a long time, but every time I tried to use it, I put it back in the box. It wasn't special enough or something.

I got it out again for this self portrait, but this time I painted myself red first, then plucked the mask of its feathers, rearranged them and glued them directly onto my face.

Somehow, the paper backing with its little elastic strap was the problem. It was the thing that stood between the mask looking fake and "put-on," and looking like I really had feathers on my face.

Plus, I have a whole bottle of spirit gum, so why not use it for more than just mustaches?

While I was shooting these portraits I had a strong urge to go someplace public with my paint and feathers still on. Like, maybe stroll into Starbucks and calmly order a triple decaf espresso, pay for it, sit there and drink it, then calmly stroll out.

It wouldn't hurt anybody.

If it was Halloween and I did that, nobody would think twice. They'd be all like, "Oh, cool, she's wearing her Halloween costume in Starbucks on Halloween." It would make sense. Or if I lived in L.A., nobody would think twice. They'd be all like, "Oh, cool, she's wearing her paint and feathers in Starbucks on a Tuesday." It might still make sense.

But I live in Small Town Ohio.
And it isn't Halloween.
It's the ass end of August.
The closest holiday is Labor Day.

So I shot the photos, removed the feathers (I also have a whole bottle of spirit gum remover), cold creamed the paint off, took a shower and watched the red remnants of my short life as a bird slosh around in the suds at my feet and then swirl down the drain.

Inside out

"Beauty is how you feel inside,

and it reflects in your eyes."

-- Sophia Loren

Self portrait 8-1-13

"I love the confidence that makeup gives me."

-- Tyra Banks

Self portrait (2) 8-1-13

"Telling an introvert to go to a party 

is like telling a saint to go to Hell." 

-- Chriss Jami

I am an introvert.

That comes as a surprise to some people, because I am also a performer.
People can't wrap their minds around what they see as a disconnect -- how can somebody who likes being onstage in front of an audience also be an introvert? It doesn't add up.

Well, I'm not a mathematician either. But I do know I'm not the only actor who finds solace and comfort in inside the skin of a character, who takes refuge in being someone who is not them.

Costumes. Makeup. Dialect. Somebody else's words to speak. Someone else's problems to solve. Someone else's life to live. It's the perfect hiding place.

You get to feel confident, because you've rehearsed.
You know your lines.
You don't have to be anxious about what you're going to say. The words are handed to you in a script. You are not allowed to add or subtract. You say exactly what's on the page.

You don't have to be self conscious, because you know what to do. How to stand. What to do with your arms. You don't have to worry about any of that shit, because all of your movements and actions are worked out in rehearsal. You do them over and over, again and again, for weeks, until they are right, and automatic, and essential. Perfect.

You don't have to wonder how you're ever going to get out of this place, away from all of these people, and you don't have the pressure of sustaining friendships and work relationships with any of them.
After about six weeks, rehearsals end.
A few weeks after that, plays end.
Performances last about two hours and they're done.
You may work with some of the same people in the future.
And others you will never, ever see again.

For now, you can get in your car, alone, and drive home, alone.
In complete and utter silence, if you like.
No chatting necessary.
Thank God.

The trouble for an introvert like me isn't performing on a stage. It is performing in real life.
When I have to be me, and say my own words, and make my own moves, my confidence falters.
My insecurities kick in.
My anxiety revs into high gear.
Fortunately, my acting skills usually kick in too, and I can improvise convincingly enough to get me through.

Yesterday I had to attend a meeting of all the football moms.
I wanted to go, for my son. It was really important to him. He kept asking me, "Are you going to the moms meeting?" Like he wasn't sure I'd be able to man up and go.
I can understand why he might feel that way. He knows my weaknesses.
But because it was so important to him, it was also really important to me, so of course I went.

I'm sure it's all in my imagination, but those gatherings of all those women feels to me like swimming with sharks, or walking the gauntlet ... it's junior high all over again and I feel like troll girl in my boys' jeans, black t-shirt and Doc Martens, trying to keep my buzzed head down as I navigate the crush of perky girls, and pretty girls, and mean girls, and cliques, and peer pressure ("Sign up to sell 50/50 tickets!!!" "Don't miss the family beach picnic!!!!")
So much tan.
So much pink.
So much hair, and makeup, and fingernails, and sandals, and pedicures, and energy.
So much ... much.

My introverted little soul was scared shitless before I even left the house.

So before I went, I put on my makeup.
My skull makeup.
I painted my face, not expertly, but as best I could in the limited time I had, and then I took pictures of myself. I felt beautiful and strong, creative and capable, but in my own secret and introverted way.

And then I washed my face. I dabbed on a little bit of regular boring makeup, and went to the meeting.

Even though I washed it off, the process of painting on skull makeup and taking the photos -- all of it gave me the confidence boost I needed.

Yay! Art therapy!

I guess it's a little like an Indian brave putting on war paint, or a soldier camouflaging his face, or a football player smearing on eye-black. I felt ready and able to swim with those sharks, to walk that gauntlet and be there for my son.

I'm really proud of him, and I want him to be proud of me.
I don't want him to ever feel afraid that I'll leave him hanging, or embarrass him, or make him feel unloved because I didn't show up.

Anyway, I only know how to be the mom that I am, and hopefully I'm the mom that my sons need.

And maybe those other moms aren't so bad after all.
I'm sure some of them are just as insecure and introverted as I am.
Maybe the tans and the nails and the hair is their war paint. Maybe that's what they need to put on so that they can feel ready and able, so that they can show up for their sons.
Some of them are actually pretty nice, and they do a lot of really great stuff for the boys, mine included.
The truth is, those moms get shit done.
They do a lot of stuff that I simply can't do, and seriously, I need moms like them to fill my gaps.

  

The icing on the face

 “They laugh at me because I'm different; 

I laugh at them because they're all the same.”

-- Kurt Cobain

Self portrait  7-14-13

 “Don't dare to be different, dare to be yourself -- 

if that doesn't make you different then something is wrong.”

-- Laura Baker

"What you're doing by being yourself is you're keeping it real, 

and you're being really brave.” 

-- Adam Lambert

It's my birthday.
It's also Bastille Day, the French National Day of independence.

So, Vive la France!

I like it that I was born on a day of uprising and rebellion, even though I'm not much of a protester or a demonstrator.

I'm not planning to storm any fortresses any time soon.
I probably won't break down many doors in my lifetime.
It's unlikely that I'll ever free anybody from any kind of oppression. 

I'm a quieter kind of rebel.

Mostly I'm just hoping to someday break down my own walls.
Mostly I'm just trying to free myself.
If, while doing that, I can help somebody else feel a little bit freer, that's just a bonus.

It's the icing on the face.

All the colors I am inside

 “When you become the image of your own imagination, 

it's the most powerful thing you could ever do.”

-- RuPaul

Self portrait 6-13-13

 Colors

My skin is kind of sort of brownish

Pinkish yellowish white.

My eyes are grayish blueish green,

But I’m told they look orange in the night.

My hair is reddish blondish brown,

But it’s silver when it’s wet.

And all the colors I am inside

Have not been invented yet.

-- Shel Silverstein, Where the Sidewalk Ends

Self portrait 6-13-13

"Jack planned his new face.

He made one cheek and one eye-socket white, then he rubbed red over the other half of his face 

and slashed a black bar of charcoal across from right ear to left jaw. 

He looked in the pool for his reflection, but his breathing troubled the mirror.

'Samneric. Get me a coconut. An empty one.'

He knelt, holding the shell of water. 

A rounded patch of sunlight fell on his face and a brightness appeared 

in the depths of the water. 

He looked in astonishment, no longer at himself but at an awesome stranger."

-- William Golding, Lord of the Flies

Tangled up in blue

 

“You can keep as quiet as you like, 

but one of these days somebody is going to find you.”

                                   

         -- Haruki Murakami, IQ84

Self portrait 5-2-13

 

“She had blue skin,
And so did he.
He kept it hid
And so did she.
They searched for blue
Their whole life through,
Then passed right by --
And never knew.”

                                                                                 -- Shel Silverstein, Everything On It