Wolf! Where?

"Follow your inner moonlight; don't hide the madness."

-- Allen Ginsberg

Self portrait 10-12-13

David:    "I'm a werewolf.

  Alex:      "Are you alright?

                                                 David:    "I don't know, I'll let you know the next full moon."

-- An American Werewolf in London

"I saw a werewolf drinking a pina colada at Trader Vic's,

And his hair was perfect."

-- Warren Zevon, "Werewolves of London"

Beautiful monster

"She's a monster, beautiful monster

Beautiful monster but I don't mind

And I need her, said I need her

Beautiful monster but I don't mind."

-- Ne-Yo, "Beautiful Monster"

Self portrait 10-9-13

"Sometimes I think there's a beast that lives inside me,

in the cavern that's where my heart should be,

and every now and then it fills every last inch of my skin ..."

-- Jodi Picoult, Handle With Care

Self portrait (2) 10-9-13

"We all have a Monster within;

the difference is in degree, not in kind."

-- Douglas Preston, The Monster of Florence

Self portrait (3) 10-9-13

The Monster:   You, make man ... like me?

Dr. Pretorius:      No. Woman ... friend for you.

The Monster:   Woman ... Friend ... Wife ...

-- The Bride of Frankenstein

My month-long "October-Faced" challenge-within-a-challenge has a dual purpose.

One is to celebrate the month of October by making it a special faces in disguise-themed project.

The other is to figure out what I'm going to be for Halloween.

I almost always dress up and stand at the end of our driveway to pass out candy to the neighborhood trick-or-treaters. Usually my boys dress up with me. Sam has been Michael Jackson in various iterations for several years. Leo has been wearing the same Cookie Monster costume since he was a little kid, which is hilarious now because he is over 6 feet tall and the thing fits him like a tiny, fuzzy, blue plush shrug with a Cookie Monster head on top. He wore it to Chipotle last year and got a free burrito.

I've been a bull rider, Elastigirl, Maid Marion (with my husband as a super-cute Robin Hood), a witch. The year I was a witch, my friend Maria brought her little grandsons by. The littlest one, who couldn't quite get his Ws in the right places, was scared of me and clung to Maria saying "I don't wike dat cwazy bitch." Of course, Maria encouraged his fledgling, accidental profanity. 

Maria: "Who is that, Ryan?" 

Ryan: "A bitch." 

Adorable.

Anyhoo.

This Bride of Frankenstein costume (well, makeup and wig so far) might be a front-runner. I still have a couple more ideas I want to explore. But this one is definitely in contention. Stay tuned.

Eye-eye-eye eye of the Zombie!

"It's all fun and games 'till someone loses and eye,

then it's just fun you can't see."

-- James Hetfield

Zombie self portrait 7-18-13

 "The eye altering, alters all."

-- William Blake

 

Zombie self portrait (2) 7-18-13

"I look very different on camera compared with how I do in real life.

On camera, I look my best when everything is enhanced,

especially my eyes."

-- Martine McCutcheon

Zombie self-portrait (3) 7-18-13

 "I have scary eyes ...

I remember coming home from school and asking my mum

if I could get an eye transplant, 

and of course she declined."

-- Tim Ferriss

Hoo! Oooooh!

Shadows on the mountain, and the night begins to fall;
Gather up the children, 'fore the darkness takes us all.
Tribe has come together, standin' naked against the night;
Twenty feet from the fire, the evil waits with zombie eyes.

Eye-eye-eye eye of the Zombie!
Eye-eye-eye eye of the Zombie!

-- John Fogerty,  "Eye of the Zombie"

OK, OK.

I promise.

Not every post and portrait is going to be about my stupid twitchy eye.

But it is my blog, so I'm afraid you'll have to indulge me for at least a little bit while I deal with it.

Because if you haven't already noticed by now, that's how I cope. It's how I deal with stuff. By making pictures of it.

A couple people have told me that, from the outside, my eye twitch isn't that noticeable.

I don't believe them.

Because from the inside, it feels like it's flapping and flopping all over my face like a bloody, dangling zombie eyeball. Well, maybe it's not that bad, but I'm exercising my artistic license here to make a point.

Did I mention that it's my blog?

Also, can I just say that when it's too hot to be outside, you might want to try making yourself up like a zombie!
It's a fun indoor Summertime activity the whole family can enjoy.
Although there is something even more fun about making yourself up like a zombie when the whole family is off working, or watching TV, or drinking iced tea, or whatever families do when it's too hot to be outside.
.
Because then you have a fun little zombie secret to keep in your pocket all day. 

Bone head

"It is not my intention to be fulsome,

but I confess that I covet your skull."

-- Arthur Conan Doyle, The Hound of the Baskervilles

 

Self portrait  7-15-13

“Life's true face is the skull.”

-- Nikos Kazantzakis

Self portrait (2) 7-15-13

“The trauma said, ‘Don’t write these poems.
Nobody wants to hear you cry about the grief inside your bones.”

-- Andrea Gibson, The Madness Vase

Charmed, I'm sure

 "But upon that perfect countenance 

was the mark of eternal pain, 

of deathless agony and suffering past words."

-- Gertrude Bacon, "The Gorgon's Head"

Polymer clay Medusa face 5-17-13

“I was my face, I was ugliness ...
It became the launching pad from which to lift off,
the one immediately recognizable place to point to when asked what was wrong with my life.
Everything led to it, everything receded from it--my face as personal vanishing point.”

-- Lucy Grealy, Autobiography of a Face

“I would pay snakes to bite her.”

-- Chuck Palahniuk, Invisible Monsters 

The other guy

Steve Rogers: Dr. Banner, now might be a good time for you to get angry.
Bruce Banner: That's my secret, Captain. I'm always angry.
(he transforms into the Hulk and smashes the giant worm-like ship to bits)

Self portrait 3-19-13

We watched The Avengers recently, and I must still be subliminally channeling the Hulk, because I made this Hulk-flavored self portrait. Honest, I wasn't even trying to look like the Hulk. It just kind of turned out that way.

Hulk is the emotional and impulsive alter ego of  mild-mannered physicist Dr. Bruce Banner. Banner's transformation into the Hulk is always triggered by strong emotions -- anger, yes, but also fear and terror and grief. Despite his outward appearance as a simple, over-muscled, out-of-control wrecking machine, Hulk is a surprisingly complex character, both emotionally and psychologically.

Dr. Banner calls his emotionally charged Hulk-self "the other guy," as if Hulk is a completely separate person, or being, with his own inner and outer life. Hulk is so "other" from Banner, that whenever Banner wakes up from being Hulk, he doesn't remember what he did as Hulk -- it's as if Hulk functions completely independently, as if Banner isn't there at all.

I feel a kind of kinship with my angry green brother.

Because I get angry a lot. I get angry a lot because sometimes life just plain hurts a lot. It feels mean and unfair. And when it does, it gets real hard not to transform into my Hulk-self and rampage around growling and gnashing my teeth and smashing stuff. I also understand the desire to somehow separate my selves -- to categorize, and sort, and compartmentalize my selves -- to have "others" who seem to act of their own accord. If an "other" did it, then I can blame it on him.

I am not one of those serene, reflective types. I can't meditate myself calm. Counting to ten just pisses me off. Counting to thirty just pisses me off for twenty more seconds. I like a more visceral approach. When I feel the anger rising, I try to diffuse it through strenuous physical exercise. I ride my bike, or run, or lift weights. Whatever works, just as long as I can feel it. I exercise a lot. Physical exhaustion settles me, for a while at least. It's how I "smash."

Self portrait 3-19-13

Art settles me, too.  Especially honest, visceral art.

I can often diffuse my anger by taking pictures of it. Taking a self-portrait when I'm feeling not so incredible, when I'm feeling my angriest and ugliest, is not something I enjoy doing. But it is something I need to do from time to time, so that I can look into the ugly
and really see it.

I've said before on this blog that I don't trust self-portrait photographers who only go in front of the camera when they look their best. I still stand by that, because I'm trying to capture images that comprise a whole self that includes all of my "other guys." Not just the pretty bits. Not just my good side. The whole Chimichanga. And like Bruce Banner, even though I don't really want anybody else to see me when I get like this, the plain and simple fact is: I get like this.

If this 365 days project is going to function effectively for me as art therapy, then there is nothing to be gained from denying what's real at any given moment. If it is nothing else, this project will at the very least be bone-honest. It's a promise I made to myself at the outset, and it is a promise I have no intentions of backing out on. And that feels pretty incredible.

And now, back to our movie:

[Banner now in his human form, wakes up naked in a pile of rubble in an abandoned building]
Security Guard: You fell out of the sky.
Bruce Banner: Did I hurt anybody?
Security Guard: There's nobody around here to get hurt. You did scare the hell out of some pigeons though.

Wild thing

“And Max, the king of all wild things, 

was lonely and wanted to be 

where someone loved him best of all.”

-- Maurice Sendak, Where the Wild Things Are

Self portrait 3-14-13

 

I am a monster

Leave me be

Don't let 'em dig too deep

You might just find the monster in me

The things I hide

These things inside

Don't let 'em dig too deep

You might just find the monster in me.

-- The Stolen Season, "Monster in Me"

We can all get a little monstrous from time to time.

Keep me fed, exercised, occupied and rested, and I'm a real gem.

Mess with the balance and I am likely to turn on you. Especially if you mess with my sleep. I'm like a beast with a sharp, sharp horn, and I will rip, tear, chew and gouge anyone who tries to get too close.

I am best left alone when I get like that. Trust me, it's better that way. 

There are fewer casualties.
Less bloodshed.

It will pass. Eventually I will work it out and come back around.

Sometimes, I just need to growl for a while.
Get it out of my system.
That's all. 

I don't necessarily like my monster self. But it exists. It doesn't do any good to deny that it is a very real part of me. Like many monsters, mine is a shy and frightened beast who lurks in the shadows and shuns the intrusion of others. But we have found ways to co-exist. Sometimes my monster even holds still long enough for me to take its picture.