Across the great divide

"Man is not truly one, but truly two."

-- Robert Louis Stevenson, Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde

Self portrait 8-24-13

"I learned to recognise the thorough and primitive duality of man; 

I saw that, of the two natures that contended in the field of my consciousness, 

even if I could rightly be said to be either, 

it was only because I was radically both."

-- Robert Louis Stevenson, Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde

"The red man divided mind into two parts, 

the spiritual mind and the physical mind."

-- Charles Eastman

Putting it together

"Arrange your face."

-- Hilary Mantel, Wolf Hall 

Self portrait 7-29-13

 "He has been disassembled by her.

And if she has brought him to this,

what has he brought her to?"

-- Michael Ondaatje, The English Patient

Self portrait (2) 7-29-13

"It's all in how you arrange the thing ...

the careful balance of the design

is the motion."

-- Andrew Wyeth

Self portrait (3) 7-29-13

"Writing has laws of perspective, of light and shade

just as painting does, or music.

If you are born knowing them, fine.

If not, learn them.

Then rearrange the rules to suit yourself."

--Truman Capote

Self portrait (4) 7-29-13

“Bit by bit, putting it together...
Piece by piece, only way to make a work of art.
Every moment makes a contribution,
Every little detail plays a part.
Having just the vision's no solution,
Everything depends on execution,
Putting it together, that's what counts.”

-- Stephen Sondheim, Sunday in the Park With George

 

Art and soul

"You use a glass mirror to see your face; 

you use works of art to see your soul."

-- George Bernard Shaw

Self portrait 6-28-13

"Are we to paint what's on the face, what's inside the face, or what's behind it?"

-- Pablo Picasso

"Every artist dips his brush in his own soul,

and paints his own nature into his pictures."

-- Henry Ward Beecher

This face will self destruct in ...

“Those who say life is knocking them down and giving them a tough time
are usually the first to beat themselves up.”

-- Rasheed Ogunlaru

Self portrait 6-14-13

"Do you know who it is you are destroying here? It is yourself.” 

-- Victor Hugo, Ninety-Three

Self portrait (2) 6-14-13

 "Don't let me get me
I'm my own worst enemy." 

-- P!nk, "Don't Let Me Get Me"

Aaah, self-destructive tendencies.

Maybe you don't fight 'em, but I do.

I knock myself down.
I hold myself back.
I push myself under.
I battle myself.
I disappoint myself.
I hurt myself.
I self-sabotage.

I feel like I am my own worst enemy.

Like I am crushing myself in my own grip.

Often I feel completely powerless to defend myself against myself and the stupid shit that I do to myself.

I am my harshest critic when I should be my own feistiest cheerleader.

God knows there are plenty of soul-crushing forces out there that are beyond my control. So why am I so hopelessly prone to pile on and add to my own misery?

If someone else talked to me the way I talk myself, I'd like to think I'd have the self respect to walk away.

But how do you walk away from yourself?

All the colors I am inside

 “When you become the image of your own imagination, 

it's the most powerful thing you could ever do.”

-- RuPaul

Self portrait 6-13-13

 Colors

My skin is kind of sort of brownish

Pinkish yellowish white.

My eyes are grayish blueish green,

But I’m told they look orange in the night.

My hair is reddish blondish brown,

But it’s silver when it’s wet.

And all the colors I am inside

Have not been invented yet.

-- Shel Silverstein, Where the Sidewalk Ends

Self portrait 6-13-13

"Jack planned his new face.

He made one cheek and one eye-socket white, then he rubbed red over the other half of his face 

and slashed a black bar of charcoal across from right ear to left jaw. 

He looked in the pool for his reflection, but his breathing troubled the mirror.

'Samneric. Get me a coconut. An empty one.'

He knelt, holding the shell of water. 

A rounded patch of sunlight fell on his face and a brightness appeared 

in the depths of the water. 

He looked in astonishment, no longer at himself but at an awesome stranger."

-- William Golding, Lord of the Flies

It's all about me

“Everyone lives a self-centered life ... whether its trivial like what's for breakfast, 

or more ambitious, like achieving some lofty goal, a person is constantly on her own mind.” 

-- T.M. Goeglein, Cold Fury

Self portrait 6-10-13

 “If people could see me the way I see myself -- 

if they could live in my memories -- 

would anyone love me?”

-- John Green, An Abundance of Katherines

I take pictures of myself.

A lot.

I spend literally hours each week, thinking about, capturing, looking at and manipulating my own image.

Don't think I don't think that people might think I might be a little self-centered.

A little self-focused. 

A little inward-turned.

A little self-absorbed.

A little full of myself.

A little narcissistic.

Maybe a lot.

I like to think that when I turn the lens on my own face, it is not about infatuation, or gazing at myself. I like to think it's about something deeper than that, something nobler and more constructive.

But still, I do wonder, at times, whether my affinity for self-portraiture is a healthy artistic pursuit of self-discovery, or something darker, something more like a self-addiction that will one day topple me over the bank into the lake to drown in the waters of my own reflection.

When my thinking about how I spend so much of my time and energy turns dark, I try to look on the bright side.

Like, I may be a self-addicted narcissist, but at least I'm not Amish.

I have nothing against the Amish. In fact, I admire a lot of things about the Amish. For instance, they make delicious pickles.

 It's just that if I was Amish and had this compulsion to make pictures of my own face, I'd be in a real pickle. (Although it would be a delicious Amish pickle.)

Did you now that the Amish are forbidden to pose for face-on photos? I thought it was just a "we don't use technology, and cameras are technology" thing. And I knew there was some kind of Old Testament something or other mixed in there. But I never knew the real "why" behind the rule.

According to the "Top Ten FAQ" about "The Amish" documentary on PBS's American Experience:

"Amish churches forbid individuals to pose for face-on photos or two reasons. First, they cite the second of the Bible's Ten Commandments: "Thou shalt not make… any graven image, or any likeness of any thing…." (Exodous 20:14). Second, in a communal society that values humility, posing for photos is a sign of pride that calls attention to oneself and rubs against Amish beliefs about the importance of deferring and yielding to others."

Well, then.

OK. Now I feel really selfish.

Also, I really want a pickle.

Nobody puts Baby in a corner

 "We put limitations on the way that we think about things, on ourselves, 

think about all the boxes we live in, male or female, 

you're this age, that age, this is your job, this is not your job, 

everything is about getting boxed in."

-- Brit Marling

Wood mannequin with cutout face and hair 5-19-13

 
 "The way they boxed us in here. 

Bricks and windows, windows and bricks."

-- Arthur Miller, Death of a Salesman

Wood mannequin with cutout face 5-19-13

 

"Nobody puts Baby in a corner."

-- Johnny, Dirty Dancing  

Pin up girl

“This thief was an artist of theft. 

Other thieves merely stole everything that was not nailed down, 

but this thief stole the nails as well.”

                     

                                                                                                -- Terry Pratchett, Sourcery

"Pin up girl" collage 5-3-13

When I was born, they looked at me and said
what a good boy, what a smart boy, what a strong boy.
And when you were born, they looked at you and said,
what a good girl, what a smart girl, what a pretty girl.

We've got these chains that hang around our necks,
people want to strangle us with them before we take our first breath.
Afraid of change, afraid of staying the same,
when temptation calls, we just look away.

 -- Barenaked Ladies, "What a Good Boy"

Mix-n-match

"My insides don't match up with my outsides."

"Do anyone's insides and outsides match up?"

"I don't know. I'm only me."

 -- Jonathan Safran Foer, Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close

Self portrait 4-28-13

“I was not ladylike, nor was I manly. 

I was something else altogether. 

There were so many different ways to be beautiful.”

-- Michael Cunningham, A Home at the End of the World 

All up in my grill

“It’s one thing to make a picture of what a person looks like, 

it’s another thing to make a portrait of who they are.” 

                                                                                                                 – Paul Caponigro

Self portrait 4-19-13

Wear protection

“...sometimes we enter art to hide within it. 

It is where we can go to save ourselves, 

where a third-person voice protects us.”

-- Michael Ondaatje, Divisadero

“Nothing is more real 

than the masks we make 

to show each other who we are.”

-- Christopher Barzak, The Love We Share Without Knowing

Self portrait with papier-mache mask 4-17-13

I made this papier-mache mask during last year's 365 days project.
I like this mask because of how closely it resembles my own face. So when I'm wearing it, even though I am disguised, I still look like me.
Me, only stronger. Like some kind of warrior.
Me, only mystical. Like some kind of shaman. Or goddess. Or creature.
Me, only protected. My soft-and-vulnerables hidden beneath the safety barrier of a rigid face shield.
Me, only hidden. With my own identity obscured, I can be anybody. I can be anything.

Self portrait with papier mache mask (2) 4-17-13

I watched V for Vendetta the other night. It is one of my favorite movies, in great measure because of how it illustrates the transformational power of a mask. Toward the end of the movie, after the masked character "V" dies, there is a "will she or won't she" moment when you wonder if Evey will remove V's mask and look at his real face. And you kind of want her to, so you can see it. But you also really kind of don't want her to, because you know it will somehow diminish V. It will diminish his power. It will diminish his mystery. Without the mask, V wouldn't be V.  Like when Darth Vader takes off his helmet and underneath it his head is all burned, and pink and punky and raw and it's sort of sad and pathetic -- seeing him exposed that way.

Evey doesn't look. She doesn't need to, because she's already seen deeper. She has already looked past V's mask. Although not literally, she has already see his "real" face. With his mask firmly in place, Evey pulls the lever and sends V hurling along on the subway car to his explosive final creative act, with his strength, his mystique, his power, his self, all in tact.

There's a lovely scene earlier in the movie when Evey and V are dancing. And Evey kisses V on the lips of his mask. It is painfully intimate, more intimate, I think, than any flesh-to-flesh contact. She gives what she needs to give. And he receives what he is able to receive. It's the best they can do, and it is enough.

I guess if we're lucky, we masked characters, we have at least one Evey in our lives -- someone who respects the mask and yet sees past it, someone who looks deeper, without judging, who won't try to rip the mask from our faces because of what they want or need us to be, but who'll leave the mask in place, who'll  work around the mask as best they can because they understand and respect the importance of what we want and need to be:

Stronger.
Mystical.
Protected.
Hidden.
Safe.
Real.