Tuesday, August 27, 2013


"Does not the stone rebuke me
for being more stone than it."

-- William Shakespeare, The Winter's Tale

Self portrait 8-27-13

"I believe that one defines oneself by reinvention.
To not be like your parents.
To not be like your friends.
To be yourself.
To cut yourself out of stone."

-- Henry Rollins

petrify [pe-truh-fahy]

1. To convert into stone or a stony substance.
2. To benumb or paralyze with astonishment, horror, or other strong emotion.
3. to make rigid or inert; harden; deaden: The tragedy in his life petrified his emotions.

I am petrified.

I thought the word "petrified" simply meant being afraid, that it was just a synonym for being really really scared, really really frightened.

But the word has a finer, more complex meaning that that. 

While the word does have something to do with fear, it is also tied up intricately with the process of hardening, or turning to stone. It's about fear that paralyzes.

In fairy tales, characters who fail a quest may be turned into stone until they are rescued.

God knows my life is no fairy tale, but my "quest" right now is my battle against insomnia.
And I feel like I am failing miserably.

I am getting help, and I thought the help was helping. But lately I seem to be back at square one.
Some long sleepless nights are kicking my ass again. I am disappointed and discouraged.

And it scares the shit out of me.

It is a fear that paralyzes.
And I feel like the longer I wage this battle, the more hardened I am becoming. Sometimes I feel like I'm about to break, but other times I feel like I'm turning to stone. Like out of self-protection I am hardening emotionally, retreating into a stony, isolated little enclave deep inside myself.

I feel trapped inside the anxiety of "what if?" 

What if this is it?
What if I never get fixed? 
What if I never get rescued?
What if instead of getting easier, it just keeps getting harder?